Only because I did the right thing.
Is it wrong? Is it wrong to hold on to things we love? Does the past make the future harder to swallow? I've been given a lot. A lot to think on, to live with, and to worry about. But I've become confused beyond all recognition at where I stand with almost everything. My friends, my loved ones, my family, my job, my school, my future career, etc...I have a personal flaw of holding these things close. Keeping what I care about dear to me. Is it possibly too close? Am I becoming depressed? Are my mixed emotions enveloping a need to be happy? The line between happy and unhappy is very blurred for me as of late. One minute I'm on top of the world, laughing it up, dancing outside of a vehicle blaring pop songs. Then frustration sets in. I become jaded with a need to feel loved, not only for the sake of being loved, but for who I am. I'm very different from other people. I don't always do the right thing, but dammit, I try my best to live a clean, healthy, meaningful life. And in all of my struggles, past/present/and future, these traits have been ignored to the fullest. My friends, they lie, and hide their imperfections causing me to be the outcast, only because I did the right thing. My relationships, I gave my all, was loved when it felt necessary, and am still struggling with all the doubt and wonder if there is someone out there who is beautiful, intelligent, and isn't selfish, able to make decisions for themselves. But alas, I am alone, only because I did the right thing. My job takes and takes complete advantage of my work ethic, leaving me unhappy and poor to boot, only because I did the right thing. My schooling and career are undecided because, lets face it, I can't even plan to 11:30 the next day let alone my entire future. But whether I become wealthy or not thanks to my efforts, I'll still know that I did the right thing. My family seems to be the only thing keeping me sane these days. I spend time at home and am treated the way I should be. However I find myself neglecting the things that are expected of me, only so I can wallow in my own self doubt. And this is where I know, I haven't done the right thing. I'm unhappy, I'm alone, I'm tired of being brought down. I need a new outlook on life. I can't live with these regrets, these memories, these false hopes of the future and what it may hold. Only God can give me what I deserve and I know it will come.


Daily Progression = A Small Step Backwards
I live a boring life full of bullshit and lies. Who wants to be there for me when I truely need it? Anyone? Granted, I have those people that I can talk to when I need help, or when I'm down and need to hang out with someone, but yea...where is the respect? I give everyone my total and utmost respect and get shit on daily. If its not one thing its another. I could be let down by myself, but its far to easy just to look at the dumb shit that other people, I care about, are doing. Yeah, you've got good friends...fuck that, they stab you in the back and I'm there to catch you till you move on to the next dumb group of fuckups. They pry into your affairs and when I tell you what to do, I'm ignored and it goes down the shitter thanks to your lack of attention to what I say. You make choices that make no fucking sense, but you're hellbent on getting it done, no matter how much MY GROWN UP ASS tells you how stupid it is. Well what happens when I move on kids? What happens when I surround myself with people that treat me like an adult? I'll tell you what happens. YOU GROW THE FUCK UP, way too late. I can tell everyone reading this that when I get hurt...I don't look back. So take your ill-planned bullshit and shove it, because I'm done dealing with immature fucktitude. The best part of this entire 'rant' is probably the fact that the people who I'm talking about will never be the wiser, because they don't read anything I write. I sincerely hope all of you grow up soon, cuz this train is leaving.


Is Jiminy Cricket talking to you before or after you make the wrong choice?
When we decide not to tell a person something, that you know they won't like, and or approve of...does that count as lying to them? Not a day goes by when don't I think to myself, "Are they avoiding a direct answer because they know I don't want to hear it." We've all done it. Whether it's keeping something from our parents in order to keep us out of trouble, or keeping something from a friend to not hurt their feelings. Either way, there is this fault I find. If you have the ability, or I should say gumption, to keep these little secrets from your loved ones, then why aren't you strong enough to say no to these actions before you do them? If the situation is so bad, that you find the need to not tell someone close to you, then should you be doing it in the first place? Sometimes we hide our eyes to keep ourselves from seeing the truth, but other times, we have someone else covering our faces to hide how they wrong us. In conclusion, I wish I had more people that gave a damn about the way I feel before I get hurt, instead of a half hearted apology after I've moved on and could care less.


Self worth? Does it depend on others views of your character?
We sit back and expect things to blow over. We put ourselves in situations that we think we are happy with. We give ourselves a false sense of accomplishment, with the hopes and dreams of someday becoming something. Do we plan for the future? Do we live for the now? I've wondered and argued this for years, and now, I'm not sure if there is a correct road to take. I thought I was worth more than what I'm conceived of being. I thought others thought highly of me, to the point that I was a good kid, the one that people looked up to. But as of late, I find that the people I care about, the ones I put before me, think otherwise. Am I failing? Am I sinking in this sea we call life? Do these nights I sit awake, eyelids heavy but unable to sleep, mind racing with things I wish I had said or done, repeat for a reason. Am I inadequate? Sure, there are the qualities that make me whole, that make me genuine, and different or unique. But when it comes down to it, am I lazy, lacking motivation, afraid of the future so I live in the present, continuously being let down by the few people I love. If it weren't for the fact that my eyelids are weighted, I'd probably be crying myself to sleep. I live a false life. A charade, a facade. I show to others how happy I am, but in turn am lonely and loved when convenient. Is happiness just complacency? Are we ever truly happy? Are the ones who are living life to the fullest setting themselves up for failure? I feel pointless. And I am very unamused...


Thoughts that help me sleep at night.
Stalemates. Sugar coated and off colored renditions of 90's sitcoms. We sit restless and carefree as our minds are torn into a billion pieces as we wonder who 'we' really are. Well I think I've figured out that I'm no longer afraid. We give reasons why things don't happen the way they should. We give love to anyone who will give us attention. We give blatant disrespect to those who harm our heart. But who are we to judge? Who are we to trust? What's in it for us? I judge no one. I trust everyone. I get what I give and give what I get. That's what makes my heart grow cold. I look around and see the world so happy and complacent in this self loathing, melodramatic, sea of torment. We drain our bodies of all that is whole, we give to others putting our own happiness at stake, and we stomach our sorrows until that sadness returns in more painful forms that the alcohol can't suppress. Yet we continue to live this way, for we are happy. Are we that pathetic? Don't I deserve the right to be happy? Don't we all deserve self worth? I demand it. No longer will I walk this long dark road of pain and regrets without a light at the end of the tunnel. Why do we kiss with our eyes closed? Is it because we are afraid no one will be there to receive our lips?


Poetry? Song?
Beautiful and terrible, making its way to the tip of your lips, that magnificent radiant glow that you know that i cant resist, shards of glass, tearing deep, tearing away at me, closing in faster now, endless sleep, remembering everything you patiently spelled out for me. It was right in front of meaning less? conjugated...melodramatic...tangled in verses, soft words and curses, that gave me hope, gave me time to kill what i had waiting, what i had stating...the truth. standing in a downpour, wasting more breath that i could have been giving to someone else who'd listen. parting the seas, moving the trees, to the open water, winds blowing harder than shapely girls dancing, keeping my addictions at bay. we stay, night after night, kiss after kiss, but its nothing, nothing, nothing...shall i continue? narcoleptic tendencies, cause me to wake, not able to escape, but forgetting the pain i endure. resentment, entrapment, constantly absent, but still conscious enough to feel us refrain.